What it's like living inside the fatphobic and eating disorder debate following the release of Taylor Swift's Anti-Hero video

That's the debate that has been overtaking the internet since the release of the music video for her song Anti-Hero. Originally, it featured the singer standing on the scales only for the word "fat" to appear in place of the numbers. Her on-screen reaction is one of obvious disappointment, meanwhile, her alter-ego (aimed to be a representation of the Taylor Swift who meets the world's high expectations) scolds her. In the past few days, the video has since been edited to remove that seconds-long frame, leaving only the reactions.

Swift has been relatively open about her struggles with an eating disorder - first revealing it in her 2020 Netflix documentary, Miss Americana. And it's easy to see how this clip is meant to be an artist's portrayal of that (Swift also directed the video clip).

I get it. As soon as I saw that clip, it clicked exactly what she was trying to say. I think many people can relate to that feeling of stepping onto the scales only to feel heavier than before you weighed yourself. It's just a number, but it comes with so much more baggage, so much more weight than a representation of kilograms.

But still, this is where the fatphobia comes in. The clip still perpetuates the idea that being fat is the worst-case scenario.

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I hate the idea that any artist should be censored and feel the need to change their art because the internet didn't like it.

In a perfect world - a world where everyone is comfortable with the idea of being healthy at any weight, and we're ready and able to have the hard conversations about weight not equalling worth - this wouldn't be a problem. The clip would have the intended impact that Swift, no doubt, wanted - a representation of what she, as the person with an eating disorder, sees on the scales.

But in a perfect world, the use of word "fat" would also not have the same effect as it does now, because it wouldn't hold the same stigma.

While Swift is sharing her lived experience, whether intentional or not, she's weaponising larger bodies to make a point. And I say this not only as a fat person but as someone who very recently was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Yep - it goes against the stereotype of who can get an eating disorder, but we exist and we're more common than you probably know.

According to The Butterfly Foundation, more than half of all people with an eating disorder are living in a larger body. And the belief that only thin or underweight people can get an eating disorder creates a major barrier to seeking help. I am a living, breathing example of how much of a barrier it can be. I'm weeks, barely months into getting help and I'm still struggling with coming to terms with it.

The entire debate over Swift's music video prompted The Butterfly Foundation to post a reminder on Instagram about how harmful videos such as these can be (Because let's face it, this video is not alone).

It reminded people that fat isn't something to be ashamed of, and that fat is not a feeling - it's a description of body shape. That "feeling" that you refer to as fat, is actually the societal correlation of being lazy, ugly and unworthy. And it's worth reevaluating and checking your unconscious biases around this next time you want to say you feel fat.

So am I disappointed in Taylor Swift? Is this the thing that leads me from being a massive fan to canceling her? No. I honestly don't think she meant any harm.

I know where her head was because my head also goes there. Frequently. And watching that seconds-long clip is nothing compared to the things my own dark thoughts throw my way. But if it wasn't for this very public conversation around fatphobia and eating disorders - which personally I think is more important than the video's edit - that clip would have been the unchecked evidence my internal voice of unreason needed to prove an incorrect point.

So while it isn't the ideal way to start a conversation around this topic, I hope that the silver lining in all this it does shed light on it. You need to identify the issue before fixing it. Not only in the sense of what is or isn't shown in music videos, but also what it means to have an eating disorder overall.

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