It's a strange thing to realise and accept that you have cancer at 29 years young.
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It's just one of those things that you presume won't happen to you.
Cliché I know, but a reality check for me, we are not invincible (oh hello curve ball, I did not see you coming).
Since I have been sick, I have had the opportunity to experience the most incredibly giving and kind people. I have been the receiver of the most thoughtful and loving words and support from my family, friends, the community and total strangers.
I cannot believe the support people have been able to give, especially in these times. The support and thoughts alone have been huge, and have really helped me and my family to not feel alone each day.
So again, thank you so much to the community for your check-ins, donations and gifts. We are so grateful.
Money doesn't mean everything we know, but holy gosh it has really honestly helped me during this whole experience with being able to focus on my treatment and less on financial stressors, and I really appreciate you all for that.
And those involved in getting this support, we have so much appreciation for you. My family and I have no words for this support, you are literal angels sent from heaven. A special mention to the Goulburn City Bulldogs for the Ladies Day event. The support was amazing and I feel so blessed to be a part of that community.
The days tick by and you just expect they will keep on coming until the unexpected happens.
In my case, that "unexpected' was primary central nervous system lymphoma.
With all the tumours located in my brain, it gave a very quick snapshot of who we were fighting. We call the main guy, the biggest tumour, Fred and then the rest are his family.
For the moment at least, they have read the room and have been booted from my brain with active treatment.
And can I quickly put a special mention out there to stem cell chemotherapy you were certainly not fun, in fact, you were seriously tough, and you always came with your challenges but man... stem cell... you really bent me.
Anyway, I always imagined myself growing old, wrinkled and grey, most likely caused by my beautiful family and lots of kids I planned on having with the love of my life, or my wildly fun and turbulent adventures. I want that so bad it hurts.
I am currently still in hospital in Canberra, doing stem cell and will be here for a month this round.
I am nearing the end of active treatment and reflecting on the journey. I have genuinely realised that the thing about life is it's fragile, precious and unpredictable and each day is a gift, not a given right.
I loved my life pre-cancer, but post-cancer treatment I really do appreciate life a lot more.
I especially appreciate my loved ones, friends and health, but the biggest learnings for me have been to just live in the present moment and to focus on balance. These are the learnings I will continue to practice post-active treatment.
Do you remember Pollyanna? The perky, optimistic girl who found optimism in everything. Well, that's who I was trying to be, I was determined to be the best most positive cancer patient ever!
I think I refused to process anything that was happening until my cup was full, and my emotions were chaotic. I honestly sent myself into a spin for many months with that toxic positive mindset and was really not healthy, and it affected everyone around me.
Instead, I allowed myself to cry and accept the forever-changing news/information, but still stayed as positive as I could for myself, my supports and other patients.
I read a really good book during the first two rounds of matrix chemo called The Resilience Project - Finding Happiness through Gratitude, Empathy and Mindfulness by Hugh van Cuylenburg.
Hugh was the one to introduce me to the GEM model, gratitude, empathy and mindfulness daily.
It really helped me control my 'controllables' during this treatment and to be grateful for what I have right in this moment, instead of my old mentality, which was, 'if I have this then I will be happy'. For example, when I buy a house then I will be happy.
I used to stress over things like getting stuck in bad traffic, having a bad sleep, having my hairdresser cut my hair too short, getting newly painted nails damaged, thinking about if my boobs were too small, about having cellulite on my arse or about my belly wobbling.
Now, I have realised that I need to let all that stuff go, or at least make those problems less of an issue.
I swear you will not be thinking of those things when it is your turn to go, or when there are other problems like cancer. I have realised that it is all so insignificant when you look at life as a whole.
I live a healthy life, in fact, that has probably been my major passion. I'll admit I was cranky as to why I was going through this, since I had lived a healthy lifestyle, but I also realised I was pushing really hard and burning the candle at both ends.
While I want to continue my lifestyle, it will definitely be more balanced.
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If you are interested these are my thoughts or reflections:
- Buy your friend something kind instead of another dress, beauty product or jewellery for that next event. Take them out for a meal, or better yet, cook for them. Buy them a plant, a massage or a candle and tell them you love them when you give it to them.
- Value other people's time. Don't keep them waiting because you are useless at being on time. Get ready earlier if you are one of those people and appreciate that your friends want to share their time with you, not sit by themselves, waiting on a mate.
- Use your money on experiences, or at least don't miss out on experiences because you spent all your money on material stuff.
- Put in the effort to do that day trip to the beach you keep putting off. Dip your feet in the water and dig your toes in the sand. Wet your face with salt water.
- Get among nature.
- Listen to music and I mean really listen. Music is therapy. Old is best I think!
- Cuddle your pet.
- Talk to your friends. Put down your phone. Ask if they doing okay and really listen.
- Travel if it's your desire, don't if it's not.
- Work to live, don't live to work. Seriously, do what makes your heart feel happy.
- Eat the cake. Zero guilt.
- Say no to things you really don't want to do.
- Don't feel pressured to do what other people might think is a fulfilling life, you might want a mediocre life and that is so okay.
- Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with everything you have.
- Also, remember if something is making you miserable, you do have the power to change it. Whether it is work, love or whatever it may be. Have the guts to change. You don't know how much time you've got on this earth so don't waste it being miserable. I know that is said all the time but it couldn't be truer.
Anyway, that's just this one young gals' reflections.
Oh, and one last thing, if you can, do a good deed for humanity and start regularly donating blood.
It will make you feel good with the added bonus of saving lives. I feel like it is something that I overlooked considering every donation can save three lives. It is a massive impact each person can have, and the process really is so simple. I can say from experience, it makes such a difference to how we feel, how effective our treatment is and quality of life during this dreaded chemo and stem cell cycle.
In a way, writing this is my therapy.
My final thought is about how amazing the community truly is. I know these words are not enough but I wanted to express my thanks to the community for its support. You have all helped make this washing machine experience that much more tolerable and it has allowed me to focus on my treatment rather than financial strain.
So again, thank you so much and I cannot wait to be waving and talking to everyone post-active treatment.
Slowly, slowly catchee monkey.
