You know when you are a bull sale, and you have your eye on two bulls, but one isn't keen and the other doesn't have the right figures, so you decide not to buy either?
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That's exactly what Farmer Paige did last night on Farmer Wants a Wife.
Rather than take one home and see how he goes, Paige decided to cull both her boys and then drove off merrily into the sunset with festoon lights dangling from the Landy.
But we knew she'd be back. Just like footrot.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's get back to the dodgy caravan park, where we find everyone waking up after what Nat calls "an incredibly emotional night".
Some wash off the smell of smoke, sausages and Farmer Benjamin's betrayal with a freezing dip in the river in a bikini. So did some of the girls.
Lyndsay literally got in the water hoping it would cool her temper because she is still fuming after Farmer Benjamin spent the evening informing all of his ladies who he had and had not kissed. It was like school all over again.
The producers have dragged Paige out of bed at sparrow fart so they can get shots of her looking thoughtful while the river steams around her in the early morning light.
For some reason candles and festoon lights are still glowing IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
OTHER FWFWW BLOGS:
Nat turns up looking impossibly fresh and gorgeous, which makes our tousle-haired farmers and their fans look even more grubby and hung-over.
And then she reminds them - they have a choose a partner to take on a 24-hour date.
Farmer Will, who was also up at the crack of dawn in hair and make-up, is wondering if he can take his mum so she can iron all his shirts.
But he decides to take Madi and she's chuffed - clearly she doesn't know what filth he has in store for her.
Farmer Benjamin has decided to take Hannah the Unkissed on the date - Lyndsay is heading straight for the water to cool off with steam coming out of her ears.
Farmer Harry chooses Rommi, and Farmer Ben - still not admitting to everyone that he's made his choice and is just hanging about in case there are more opportunities to sleep in crap caravans - decides to take Lauren.
But Farmer Paige is about to bowl a doozy - she's done. She talks about listening to herself and then drops the mic - she's not taking either of the boys on a date. In fact, they can bugger off home.
After the double dump is performed, Dylan shows true emotion - "it is what it is".
Farmer Benjamin sums it up for us all - "I think she's done the right thing. It wasn't groovy".
Is he planning more coagulation?
Paige says bye to Dylan and Glen, then gets in the Landy and hits the road. She asks "Where are you Prince Charming?" as she is chased by a drone.
The single dates
The rest of the farmers set off on their single 24-hour dates while the rejected ones have to go back to the farm.
Farmer Harry is taking Rommi on a mountain bike ride. But she can't ride a bike. Like, legit.
After the retail manager immediately crashes the bike into a fence, we quickly jump to Farmer Benjamin who is doing something even more offensive than being stuck in barbed wire - painting.
He and Hannah begin to paint each other. He says he's "drawn to her". I'm glad someone is drawn, because these paintings are hideous.
Farmer Ben has taken Lauren on a kayak down the river. It goes without saying they are really bad at it, as they zig zag across the water.
But I can't talk. Once my best mate and I crashed a kayak into a bridge and then sunk it. It also didn't occur to either of us to turn the kayak upside down before trying to retrieve it from the bottom.
Farmer Will and Madi are having a picnic. Madi has decided that after two seconds on the farm complete with an entire production crew that farming is for her.
At this point Will has found a way to take his shirt off again and shows her a feral bucket of mud that looks like paper mache.
They rub the filthy, cold mud on each other. It's not sexy.
But they then lie in lovely white robes in the dirt and have a snog.
Harry and Rommi have taken their bikes on a nice walk after Rommi maimed several animals and signs.
Back at the riverside painting disaster, Benjamin tells us he's "proper crushing".
That's until Hannah tells him her idea of a holiday is heading overseas for two or three months.
Yeah, not happening Han.
But he gets his tally book out and realises he needs to kiss all three - so he does.
Back at Camp Dodgy, the four farmers and their girls get to stay the night. Everyone examines the artworks and decides they are ghastly, and then stand around hugging and swigging beer.
Harry and Rommi have a snog, careful to avoid her injuries from several bike crashes.
People disappear into caravans, and the cameramen begin to snoop through windows or holes in the walls of the falling-down caravans.
Another spanner thrown
The next morning Nat turns up again (festoon lights still on) to drop a bomb. The girls are heading back to the farms.
The farmers are being shipped off back to the NSW Hunter Valley where Sam Farmatage is waiting for them.
Unfortunately for us all this means another excruciatingly close-up slow-mo of the four boys walking in a line to the house in the Hunter.
Sam turns up to reveal the big surprise - she's actually got 41 hectares.
No, just kidding. Farmer Paige is back.
The poor girl is also put through the slow-mo. Far out.
"Welcome back - we missed you!' Harry shouts. Dude, she literally left yesterday.
Sam begins telling everyone she knows all about living on a farm - she grew up on one and returned to the country for love.
Cue shots of Sam and a seasoned gentleman snuggling. They look over their entire property (one paddock) from the garden fence.
Then Sam tells them - she (the producers) have been scouring the country (the applications of the rejects not chosen the first time) for two new partners for each of the farmers. And they have to pick one to take back to the farm.
"Well groovy," Benjamin says.
Farmer Harry, who only recently said his first words, has trouble articulating his feelings.
Then a bunch of cars zoom up the drive and two partners for each jump out. The farmers are forced into chairs while they have 15 minutes with each partner. I feel like we've been here before. On yes - that's right.
It then becomes apparent that Sam, in the quintessential checked shirt with her entire collection of livestock (three horses) in the background, is going to commentate why she (the producers) have chosen the two newbies.
Paige is pumped. It's all good for her - she doesn't have a house full of cranky rejects waiting to meet the arrival of the intruder like introducing a new bull to the others.
Here are the highlights:
- Danni really impresses Farmer Ben by saying "You do like cattle like dairy - I don't like early mornings". Score.
- Laura tells Farmer Benjamin she is impressed by Guyra Bowling Club. Um.
- Holly says of Farmer Will - "compliments to the chef, to his mum if she is watching". Like, ewww.
- Swedish Madelene tells Farmer Benjamin that "I'm looking for someone who can tell me where the nuclear codes are".
- Kiani tells Ben that "city boys suck". Burn.
The farmers then go and have a little sit down and cuppa with the two hopefuls.
Here are the highlights:
- There are none.
The farmers then go and think about which one will be thrown to the lions back at the farm and which one will escape.
At this point we jump to the farms to check in with all the girls who were sent home from Camp Crap.
They are sitting around drinking tea and fretting about the fact new partners will be crashing the party. I would like to note that for a bunch of girls who have spent every waking hour telling farmers they love the farm that NONE of them are actually outside.
Back to the Hunter and it's time to choose a partner. Sam keeps fishing for compliments about her (the producers') choices.
But we're off - Farmer Harry chooses Holly, Farmer Harry chooses Bronte, who is apparently keen to milk a cow, Farmer Benjamin chooses Swedish Madelene, and Farmer Ben chooses Kiani.
Oh and apparently everyone is walking back to their farms.
And then comes the moment we all saw coming - Paige is so chuffed with both her blokes that she takes both them, declaring "Heck yes" and "I'm good".
Well I'm glad someone is happy. Those rest of the poor new buggers don't know what is about to hit them.
An obvious connection
THERE'S an elephant in the room and it's not the fact Farmer Harry needed a signed permission slip to go on a sleepover. Why isn't Postie Paige getting to know some of the other farmers better with the aim of snagging a potential hubby? Makes sense to this bookie. Keep eye on it. Lay it down.
