Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives 5: Time for some dodgy dates

Well that's actually two things, depending on whether you drew the short straw. Sucks to be you Paige.

We begin last night's episode of Farmer Wants a Wife with a recap of the disastrous country ball - Keely falling over and thinking it was a sign she should leave, and Farmer Benjamin's dancing.

More of Farmer Benjamin's dancing. Oh the blows just kept on coming - just ask the post Keely crashed into.

The farmers each choose a partner to go on a single date with.

Meanwhile the unchosen ones sit around looking cranky because they've just spent six hours having 'KEEP DANCING!" yelled at them by the producers and came away with nothing except injuries from Benjamin's dancing. Oh and a concussion. But no biggy.

It appears the camera crew have spent days stalking through the bushes trying to get shots of TWO ANIMALS TOGETHER. Two birds, two cows.

As a fellow blogger of mine remarked, why not just make it easy for yourself and get a shot of a pair of socks and be done with it?

Previously on Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives:

We watch the farmers and their partners get ready for the date - Farmer Will has dragged the cameraman into his bedroom so they can film him without his shirt on.

Will is taking dental nurse Jess on a date for a row down a river.

Not only has the word CONNECTION been used 756 times before the first ad break, now Will has learned a new word: charismatic.

The word "banter" has also been added to the scripts, as has "if I am being completely honest". And, if I am being completely honest, these options are all better than "coagulate".

We find out that when Will finally hits puberty, he would like to have children.

We go from watching them sitting at a picturesque spot with their backs to the river (go figure) to a shot of hairdresser Alicia sitting alone at home. It feels like she might be a bit upset.

In fact it feels like an early scene from The Shining.

At the river Will and Jess giggle, Will tousles his own hair, they have a snog. Moving on.

Farmer Benjamin is taking flower farmer Erin on a flight in a chopper. We watch them snuggle while his fleece billows in the wind.

Below on the ground his other prospective wives are thrilled for them.

Cries of "Bull****", "No", and "I'm jealous" are uttered through gritted teeth while they wave cheerily at the departing chopper.

Benjamin and Erin arrive at a pretty gorge, It doesn't get much more romantic than this - having a kiss in freezing brown water while a drone buzzes over your head.

Farmer Ben is taking Maddison golfing. They are made to sit in a golf cart and have a chat. It's magical.

Farmer Harry is taking Tess (not McLeod) on a date to cuddle Tassie devils. They have a snog too.

BUT none of these dates surpass what Farmer Paige has in store - no heavenly chopper flight or romantic row in a boat could compete with her dream date - darts at the pub. Like, seriously.

She is going to be filthy when she finds out the producers only shouted them a couple of shandies while Benjamin got a chopper ride.

Anyway, after the dates are over, then comes the awkward bit - The Interrogation.

The farmers are made to sit down with all of their partners while the disgruntled rejects ask questions.

Do they ask where they went and what they did? No, they do not.

"DID YOU KISS?????" they shriek.

We have a rare moment of truth from Lyndsay at this point: "It's pretty horrible dating someone who is dating other women". Maybe future participants should heed this warning.

FROM here we watch everyone go and do the day-to-day stuff on the farm - Paige and her boys wash a horse float. No horse float in history has been this clean. Like ever.

Farmer Harry makes his girls play AFL. According to Alicia, she is a Virgo so she notices little things. Apparently this is important.

Meanwhile Farmer Harry sends his girls to meet the local CWA ladies.

Something I know about these fabulous group of women is that there isn't much beating around the bush.

Clearly Harry's ladies aren't prepared for this as they bounce out of the car with one of them declaring: "This is going to go off."

Harry's girls take no notice of the cooking advice while interrogating the CWA chicks about living on the land.

The student pilot Gabrielle asks about the transition to farm life. She takes no advice from the CWA lady who reminds them what they will gain far outweighs what they will miss, and immediately starts ranting about the unfairness of it all.

"Why do you have to change for him? You come to me," she demands.

Sigh. Yet another person who goes on Farmer Wants a Wife and doesn't understand THE FARMER IS STAYING ON THE FARM. Crikey.

BACK on Will's farm, while a tractor continually drives around the paddock doing nothing (clearly he hasn't noticed diesel prices), he and Alicia clean out a trough.

She's still filthy (like the trough even after the clean) and doesn't listen to a word he says. She then refuses to do work on the farm. Because that's the way to impress him.

Then she changes her mind and takes to squealing every time a sheep runs near her.

Page crams her boys into the side-by-side. We all know how comfy that is. They go and push some pretty sore-footed ewes through a river at top-speed.

They decide to have a competition who can drench the quickest. Or something.

All I know is we are treated to shots of the guys wearing goggles and gloves trying to drench from outside of race, comments of "I hate this sheep" and even one particularly memorable moment where one bloke is balancing up on the race trying to get the drench gun in a mouth.

At Farmer Benjamin's, it's time to vaccinate wethers. According to him, "when you feel the rhythm and the vibe, it's bobsled time". Umm. Yes, vaccinating wethers is exactly like Cool Runnings. I can't believe no one has made this comparison before.

Farmer Ben's chicks are hard at work too - doing flips in bikinis in the pool.

IT'S time for the dinner where the farmers have to give someone the boot. Alicia is still crabby and Will is talking to himself in the mirror. Oh and Lyndsay has a squashable washable.

The dinners are tense. Especially since Farmer Ben demonstrates he is unable to move food from one plate to another.

Farmer Benjamin sends fitness trainer Jen home, while over at Paige's - which is very obviously not jillaroos' quarters - she has a chin wag with James who says he doesn't think farm life will suit him. That's fair. At least someone is being honest.

Farmer Harry sends Gabrielle home, while Farmer Ben loses lovely mum Lisa who needs to go home to her daughter. I think he has lost a good one there.

Things are icy as heck over at Farmer Will's - it's a bit like when you have to go and tell your dad you backed his tractor into the side of the shed.

Will and Alicia have a chat - she has decided to pretend she hasn't been snapping the carrot all day about hating the farm.

He says honesty and trust are important. She clearly isn't listening again. Will comes back and tells the girls he's not sending anyone home. But Madi isn't taking any of this garbage. She tells Will that Alicia has been telling porkies.

It's pretty awkward. It's like the time I was shining the torch on a heifer that had just calved so my husband could check the calf had had a feed, and then she got cranky so I buggered off with the torch, leaving him in complete darkness with an angry black cow.

Will goes and talks to Alicia, reminds her of the trust thing and then tells her to hit the road. He is so distressed, his hair has become unruly.

Yep. It's that bad.

IT'D come as no surprise if Specsavers was a major sponsor of this little adventure. It seems no one knows where anyone is because they're all having conversations to "see where they're at". No sign of that abating, so that's a solid return to be had. Lay it down.