We kick off the second week of Farmer Wants A Wife with a country ball (of sorts), a "kissy-wissy" admission and an embarrassing dancefloor spill.
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Word bingo for tonight's episode is "connection". I stopped counting at 400.
But first, we catch up quickly with everyone on-farm.
Farmer Ben marches around the house, waking the girls up for morning milking by turning the overhead interrogation lights on in their rooms.
Which, by any standard, is one of the worst ways to be woken up.
There was no need to turn the light on in Leish's room. Her sunburn is giving off an adequate glow.
The girls liken the rotary dairy to a slow merry-go-round.
It is revealed Ben has tunnel vision when it comes to Leish. She ticks all his boxes.
He also says he has fallen for her and that his last serious (unsuccessful) relationship moved in the same quick way. This begs some questions.
The CONNECTION doesn't go unnoticed among the other would-be wives.
We segue into some wistful drone shots of fog on the farm and contestants leaning on fence posts, where after approximately 2.5 minutes on the farm, the girls tell us without a shadow of a doubt that this is the life for them.
At Farmer Will's place, psychology student Tess is having a terrible time with the flies and the English language, it seems.
She has been tasked with planting a random tree in a random paddock, I guess, to demonstrate Will's sustainable approach to farming.
She says, "Farmer Will coming over to help me is a good gun show"....um.
We are all confused.
But she's just gorgeous, so we will overlook that.
They walk away satisfied with their tree planting efforts.
The camera pans to the poor sapling that is left leaning at a 45-degree angle to the ground.
The pair obviously needed Farmer Benjamin Georgiardis (Costa) down there to give them a hand.
This takes us to the following terrifying scenes.
Farmer Georgiardis gets the PPE out for the girls and starts burning off a paddock that Nat tells us assuredly "is ready for re-seeding".
He marches in and starts yelling instructions on how to light a grass fire while telling us he is excited for the initial "phases of love", which I understand is commonly referred to as lust.
As he literally lights the fire, he tells us he wants that "fire that starts to burn".
"I crave the whole kit and caboodle; I want the whole bonfire," he says lovingly in pre-recorded scenes interspersed with the current grass fire situation.
Then "MOVE", he yells to the girls.
OTHER FWFWW BLOGS:
After a few aerial shots of cows running away, confused by the drone, we arrive at Farmer Will's place.
There is lots of talk about front runners and back runners. I check I didn't bump the remote and put on Sky Racing.
We see the first seeds of doubt planted concerning Keely. More on that later.
In Farmer Ben's kitchen, three contestants confront Leish about hearing her sneak into his room at night.
Ben strolls into the awkward interaction and reveals a dirty tatt on his calf. Not to be confused with a juvenile cow. It is on his actual leg.
Please stop wearing shorts. Effective immediately.
All I hear in these two minutes of footage is "CONNECTION, CONNECTION, in your face, CONNECTION".
Before we know it, we're off to the country ball.
There are more "get down and dirty," remarks, followed by an ominous "I just hope there's no drama".
Of course, there will be more drama than you can poke a stick at.
But before that, the contestants head off for a quick round of lawn bowls while the farmers make their way to a fire pit in the scrub and share their experiences so far with one another.
Farmer Ben updates the group on his relationship status with Leish, saying, "I've done my nuts", which would have to be the single worst phrase I've heard uttered on national television.
A shocked Costa (who admits he wants to keep all of his ladies because of his CONNECTION with each one) tries to talk some sense into him.
Everyone gets dolled up and arrives at the country ball.
Enter Nat.
She introduces Toyota Golden Guitar Award nominee (eight times) Casey Barnes.
Costa starts writhing around the place, waiting for the beat to drop and warns us it "could get weird".
That horse has already bolted.
Farmer harry gives Costa a run for his money on the dancefloor with some enthusiastic and ill-advised dance moves.
Ben, meanwhile, dances like he's entombed in an ice cube. Rigid.
Keely tells us she's getting "down and dirty" for the 1000th time in an effort to impress Will.
Only now, she literally goes down in a royal dancefloor tumble while attempting a daring spin, and perhaps she did get dirty in the process. I don't know.
Keely dashes out with an attentive support crew in toe to check her over for obvious signs of trauma.
She's crying, and Will supports her. It's very dramatic.
Keely decides to make a big decision while her emotions are heightened, which we are all guilty of.
She sees the dancefloor disaster as a sign for her to leave. And by leave, I don't mean simply leave the ball, but rather leave the entire show.
Will doesn't stop her. In fact, he seems to hurry her along to the waiting Toyota.
We then touch base with Costa, who is on the dancefloor with flower farmer Erin.
He continues to explore the outer reaches of his vocabulary and tells us he wants to "coagulate" with Erin.
What on actual earth?
"I certainly want to get more of those good feelings. It's like a nice sweetness. It's like my honey, my nectar," he unfortunately continues.
They make their way outside for a private interlude.
Costa decides against the word CONNECTION to explain their, well, connection (now I'm guilty).
He describes it as a "buzz" instead.
"I feel like a bee around a flower".
They giggle. Erin says it's the "best compliment ever".
Then he slides in for a pash.
It's just so awkward to watch.
"The warm fuzz is something I get to, and I just can't not," he says, explaining the reason for his impromptu kiss.
We head back into the main event and the next thing you know, Costa dives headlong into the bath of ice reserved for the grog to freshen up.
He obviously needed to cool off after all that buzzing around.
Then we head over to Will's group, where Alicia tells the others she now wants to go home too.
In a super strange scene, she sits by herself on a hay bale and says, "there's so much going on, it's so overwhelming"....to absolutely nobody.
Will heads over, Alicia cries. She is confused, Will is confused, and we are too.
"It's emotionally exhausting," she says. We agree.
Will has got a big headache.
Then it's time for the farmers to select a contestant each to take on a solo date the following day.
Farmer Ben whisks away retail merchandiser Maddison.
Farmer Harry chooses psychology student Tess #yestotess.
Farmer Paige takes carpenter Dylan, which was incredibly obvious as we have only sighted her two other fellas acting as set extras all episode.
Farmer Will approaches his whittled-down group and chooses dental nurse Jess.
And obviously, Farmer Benjamin chooses flower farmer Erin.
The leftovers sit dejected on haybales as the music fades away.
I half expect Kelly to come hooning back in at the wheel of the Toyota to tell us she changed her mind.
But alas, there was already enough drama tonight.
Hayley Warden
Hayley Warden is a digital journalist with ACM Agri based on the NSW South Coast.
Hayley Warden is a digital journalist with ACM Agri based on the NSW South Coast.
