After 45 years as a GP, Dr Robert Favaloro ponders on what it takes to build a wonderful life. How happiness can be grown and tended like a good crop. It's all about following The Rules of Life.
So often relationship problems precipitated patient consultations.
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I realised how negative it was to have arguments.
The description of an argument as 'two people shouting and no one listening' sounds apt to me.
We all want to be accepted as we are and even more importantly, we don't want to feel judged.
In good relationships we don't hold grudges and we don't have secrets from each other.
The element of feeling 'special' to our partner is key.
I had two women attend the surgery around the same time.
Both had husbands who they felt had problems with alcohol. Both attended Al-Anon frequently (Al-Anon have support groups for the families and friends of alcoholics).
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At Al-Anon they learnt that alcoholism is a family problem where all can be affected or traumatised by it. Changing attitudes in each family member can help recovery.
Here they learnt to understand the alcoholic and understand that they could find happiness, whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not.
Importantly, they couldn't control the drinking and they weren't at fault.
Both women saw alcoholism as a disease.
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The second woman is still married to her husband who continues to binge drink. She points out how good he is to her and to their children. She sees his drinking as his problem - there is no fault on her part. She is at peace letting him suffer the consequences of his drinking and she feels no need to be rescuing him.
Her ease in seeing his good points and not judging him, thereby avoiding arguments, and choosing not to keep grudges saves so much of her energy.
This may be the harder path to follow, but I have found that avoiding looking for faults and only seeing the good in each other leads to happier, longer lasting relationships.
