Parenting towards an empty nest requires preparation

I always remember my grandparents and my parents saying that you don't stop being a parent because your children grow up and fly the coop.

Now, after several years as an empty nester I can vouch for that wise message.

However, looking back to those days as a new parent I sometimes wonder how I ever managed to let go enough for my brood to step into their role as adults.

What I can say is that it is a gradual process from a newborn, entirely reliant on their parent, to guiding a child to develop skills for independence. And of course slowly letting them test that independence along the way.

I will confess as they moved closer toward adulthood I often worried about whether or not they were suitably equipped for complete autonomy.

In all fairness educating them well enough for independence is as important as teaching them to walk, speak, tie their shoe laces, read and so on.

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I feel confident that along the way they will learn how to prepare meals, manage household chores such as doing the laundry, and learning to drive is a fairly significant process which requires a lot of time from parents. Hopefully during that process there are discussions about the maintenance of vehicles including checking oil, water, brake fluid, tyres etc and the importance of addressing any red lights that might pop up on the dashboard.

The lessons I think can be easily overlooked are independent life skills such as what is required to rent a house (bond, insurance, credit rating), the process of doing annual taxes, managing a budget that factors in all components and so on.

Without a doubt letting go, so that they can independently step into the big wide world, can be challenging and at times heart wrenching. The question at the forefront of the mind of most parents will be "are they ready?"

One of those first days of letting go comes when they head out in a car for the first time unsupervised. They've done the lessons, they've passed their test but that first trip out on their own can be terrifying ...at least for the parent.

But that is nothing compared to the first time they come home and tell you they are going overseas - without parental supervision.

I had only just come to terms with them leaving school when each of my children informed me of their plans for an overseas trip.

I have a friend with children a little younger than mine who would often say "I don't know how you do it?" She would continue with questions such as "how do you cope with letting them go?"

My response was always along the lines of "they are 18 now. They have the right to do these things without parental supervision. I have to trust them and trust that I have prepared them well."

I have also always stood by the theory that if I try to hold them back, I could actually push them away.

My husband and I were fortunate that our son stayed at home while he completed his tertiary studies, but our two daughters needed to relocate for the purpose of their respective training almost as soon as they had left school.

They came home most weekends and I was that mother who would always send them off with home baked goods, and often a grocery bag full of essentials - eggs, milk, bread, some fruit and some vegetables - just to make sure they were eating well.

However, the need to be supportive as parents reached new heights when our son announced he was moving to Canada for two years, and our daughter secured a six-month contract working in India, followed by a two-year contract in the United States, and then a 10-month assignment in Malaysia.

That aforementioned friend again marveled at the fact that I appeared so calm about these international relocations. I must confess that looks can be deceiving. But in each case I had to remind myself that they were adults and I had to support their independence.

The good news is that all three children have returned to Australia to live, and while they are all living independently they frequently drop in to see their parents, who are now rattling around in the long-time family home and wondering is it time to down size.

What I love most about these visits is that the family home they grew up in is still home to them. They come in, kick off their shoes, drop their belongings in their respective bedrooms (kept pristine for such visits), usually check out what is in the fridge or pantry and flop on the lounge eager for a chat or to watch a movie with mum and dad.

I have noted that this family home, which has become too big for two people, suddenly seems to reach capacity during these visits - even their friends drop in for a visit. Every room is used, the washing piles up quickly and the front yard suddenly looks like a used car yard. I love it.

I also love that they frequently turn to us for guidance on matters associated with their adulting such as buying a car, the process of securing a home loan and buying a property.

Furthermore I love those opportunities to socialise with my big babies. Regardless of whether it is catching up for lunch, going out for dinner, a family getaway or going on a hike - I relish every moment to spend time with my adult children.

I stand firm on my philosophy that allowing them to spread their wings and fly the coop has resulted in them often swooping in to spend quality time with mum and dad.

In the meantime my husband and I have an adopted fur baby who has us completely wrapped around his paw...and according to our adult children this fur baby has become the favourite child. I can honestly say he creates less mess.

Mumma Jak has three children and is familiar with the challenges of parenthood. She is well aware that every child is different, every day can be different and a parent's approach needs to be different according to the situation at hand. She is happy to say she fumbled through, motivated from the perfect starting point - unconditional love. The good news is that all three of her children have become normal functioning adults.

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